Dialectical Behavior Therapy

ROCD vs. BPD vs. Betrayal Trauma

It’s important to distinguish between ROCD, Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and issues stemming from traumatic relationship betrayals. While there are similarities, understanding the differences can help address these challenges more effectively.

Relationship Betrayal Trauma issues stem from past betrayals, abuse, or neglect in relationships. Past betrayal creates a struggle with trust and heightened sensitivity to potential betrayal. These fears lead to reassurance-seeking behaviors to ensure a partner’s fidelity and commitment.

Relationship OCD (ROCD) centers around intimate relationships. Typical OCD often involves obsessions with cleanliness, safety, religion or disturbing thoughts. ROCD features intrusive thoughts and doubts about the relationship itself, the partner, or the feelings involved. These obsessions lead to compulsive behaviors aimed at easing the anxiety caused by these doubts. A common compulsion in ROCD is seeking reassurance from the partner, friends, or even strangers.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can involve intense fears of abandonment and difficulties with emotional regulation, creating a need for reassurance. People with BPD often experience strong emotions which can complicate their relationships. Their need for reassurance usually comes from a deep desire for stability and understanding in their relationships.

The Nature of Reassurance Seeking

The problem with reassurance-seeking behaviors is they can momentarily calm anxiety. Asking your partner questions like, “Do you really love me?” or “Are you happy with me?” Can give momentary relief but that relief creates a cycle of positive reinforcement for the reassurance seeking behavior. This can actually increase the need for reassurance. When the anxiety returns, it’s often more intense than before, leading to a vicious cycle of doubt and reassurance-seeking.

Understanding the Impact of Reassurance Seeking

Reassurance seeking can really put a strain on relationships. When you’re constantly asking for validation, it can create a situation where both partners feel trapped. One person feels a need reassurance to calm their anxiety, while the other partner may start to feel overwhelmed and pressured to always provide that validation.

This cycle can take a toll on both partners. Psychologically, it can lead to heightened anxiety and a lower self-esteem. Emotionally, it can create feelings of disconnection and frustration, which can negatively impact the relationship—making the anxiety worse.

Take Jane and Mark, for example. Jane often asks Mark if he still loves her and if he finds her attractive. At first, Mark was happy to reassure her, but over time, he started to feel exhausted by the constant questioning. This led to arguments and a growing emotional distance between them.

Our True Desire: Attachment and Connection

So, what’s really going on here? It’s a combination of seeking certainty and true connection. The compulsive behaviors and obsessive thinking are born out of a profound craving for secure attachment. Reassurance-seeking is a symptom of this underlying need. When someone with ROCD, BPD or Betrayal Trauma asks for reassurance, they are not just looking for answers to their doubts but yearning for a deeper sense of security and emotional closeness.

The Quest for Certainty in an Uncertain World

The interesting root of OCD: most of the obsessions and compulsions are about wanting certainty in a world where certainty is often unattainable. This is especially true in relationships. We might desperately want to be sure that our partner loves us, that our relationship will last, or that we will never be hurt. But relationships, like much of life, are inherently uncertain. This relentless quest for certainty can lead to an endless cycle of doubt and reassurance-seeking, temporarily relieving the anxiety but never fully satisfying the need for absolute certainty.

Impermanence

Impermanence is the understanding that everything in life is constantly changing. This idea comes from Buddhist psychology. Embracing the impermanent nature of all things helps us accept the natural ebb and flow of relationships without feeling overwhelmed by uncertainty.

Think about it. All feelings and situations are transient. Emotions come and go, so do those moments of doubt. Even reassurance is impermenant. By accepting the impermanent nature of these experiences, you can find comfort in knowing that anxiety will pass and that you have the resilience to handle whatever comes your way.

When we radically accept the impermanence of all things, including our relationships, we gradually shift towards an acceptance of uncertainty.

This doesn’t mean not caring about your relationship. Instead, it means not clinging to the need for constant reassurance and validation. By meditating on the reality of impermanence in all things, you can cultivate a sense of inner peace and stability that isn’t dependent on external validation.

Start by noticing when you’re seeking reassurance and gently remind yourself to let go of the need for certainty. Practice grounding techniques to center yourself and focus on the present moment. This can help reduce the urgency of needing immediate answers and allow you to develop trust in yourself and your relationship.

Seeking Reassurance from Your Partner vs. Others

There’s a crucial distinction to make regarding reassurance-seeking behaviors. Seeking reassurance from your partner about their love and commitment is different from seeking reassurance from others about whether your partner is good enough or whether you should be in the relationship at all.

When you seek reassurance from your partner, you want validation that they care about you and are committed to the relationship.

On the other hand, some people seek reassurance from others when they obsessively question their partner’s worth or suitability, which can undermine the relationship and create additional stress.

Discernment vs. Obsession

It can be challenging to distinguish between healthy discernment and obsessive thoughts. Discernment involves evaluating your relationship based on your values and needs. In contrast, obsession involves intrusive, repetitive thoughts that lead to anxiety and compulsive behaviors.

To differentiate between the two, ask yourself:

• Am I repeatedly thinking about the same doubts without resolution, no matter how much evidence and reassurance are presented?
• Do these thoughts cause significant anxiety and lead me to seek constant reassurance?
• Can I focus on other aspects of my life, or are these thoughts consuming my attention?

If your thoughts are more aligned with the obsessive pattern, they may not be reflecting the actual quality of the relationship or the commitment of your partner.

Creating a Wise Mind Dating Plan

A Wise Mind Dating Plan can clarify your relationship goals: the kind of relationship you want, and the qualities you need, prefer, can put up with or won’t accept in a partner. You can refer to your plan when your mind is spiraling with doubts about whether or not to be with your partner or if this relationship is right for you.

In Chapter 16 of my book, DBT for Life: Skills to Transform the Way You Live, I outline the steps to create your own Wise Mind Dating Plan. Here’s a brief overview:

1. Clarify Your Relationship Goals: What do you want out of a relationship? What are your long-term goals? Being clear about what you want can help you stay grounded when doubts arise.
2. Identify Qualities You Must Have in a Partner: These are non-negotiables, such as respect, honesty, and shared values. Knowing what you need helps you recognize if your partner aligns with your core values.
3. Recognize Your Preferences: These are qualities that you prefer but can be flexible on, such as specific hobbies or interests.
4. Establish Your Deal-Breakers: These are things you absolutely won’t accept in a partner, such as dishonesty, disrespect, or incompatible life goals.
5. Understand the Things You are Willing to Put Up with: These are the small irritations that come with living with another person, and a recognition of the other person’s limitations.

By having this plan, you create a concrete reference point to ground yourself when obsessive concerns flare up. Your Wise Mind Dating plan helps you differentiate between valid concerns and anxiety-driven doubts. (Please join me for the Wise Mind Dating Plan webinar. You can register here.)

Using Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) for ROCD

Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) therapy is a powerful tool for dealing with reassurance-seeking in ROCD. ERP helps individuals confront their fears and reduce compulsive behaviors. Here’s how you can use ERP to manage reassurance-seeking:

Seek Professional Support: Working with a therapist trained in ERP can provide additional guidance and support. They can help you develop a personalized ERP plan and offer strategies for managing anxiety during exposure exercises.

Identify Triggers: Identify the situations, thoughts, or feelings that trigger your need for reassurance. This might include specific questions you ask your partner or certain scenarios that make you doubt your relationship.

Create a Hierarchy: List these triggers from least to most anxiety-provoking. This will help you gradually face your fears in a manageable way.

Exposure Exercises: Begin with the most minor anxiety-provoking trigger and gradually expose yourself to the situation without seeking reassurance. For example, if you usually ask your partner, “Do you love me?” when you feel insecure, try to resist asking this question for a short period.

Response Prevention: During exposure exercises, focus on preventing the typical compulsive response. Instead of asking for reassurance, practice sitting with the discomfort and anxiety. This might be challenging at first, but over time, it will help reduce the intensity of your anxiety.

Mindfulness and Self-Compassion: Use mindfulness techniques to stay present and observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Practice self-compassion by acknowledging your struggles and reminding yourself that it’s okay to feel anxious.

Gradual Progression: Gradually work your way up the hierarchy, exposing yourself to more challenging triggers as you become more comfortable with the process. This gradual progression helps build confidence and resilience.

DBT Skills to the Rescue

Check the Facts: This involves challenging irrational thoughts by identifying and disputing them. For instance, if you find yourself thinking, “If my partner doesn’t reassure me, it means they don’t love me,” try to counter that thought with evidence to the contrary.

Mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help you stay present and reduce anxiety. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and mindful observation can be very helpful.

Self-Compassion and Validation: Being kind to yourself is crucial. When you notice self-critical thoughts, try to replace them with self-compassionate ones. Remember, it’s okay to feel anxious sometimes, and it’s important to treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer to a friend.

Distress Tolerance: These skills help you cope with distress in a healthy way. Techniques such as grounding exercises, distraction, and self-soothing can be particularly useful during moments of high anxiety.

Emotion Regulation: Learning to understand and manage your emotions can reduce the intensity of ROCD symptoms. Techniques like identifying and labeling emotions, and using opposite action (doing the opposite of what your emotions are telling you to do), can be very effective.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: These skills help you communicate more effectively and build healthier relationships. Techniques such as assertiveness training and learning to set boundaries can empower you to manage reassurance seeking behaviors.

Elizabeth’s Journey

Elizabeth struggled with constant reassurance seeking in her relationship. She often found herself asking her partner if he still loved her or if he found her attractive, which led to tension and arguments. To help manage her ROCD, Elizabeth began practicing Check the Facts. She learned to identify and challenge her irrational thoughts, replacing them with more balanced ones. For instance, when she felt the urge to seek reassurance, she would remind herself of the evidence that her partner loved her, such as his kind actions and words.

Additionally, Elizabeth started mindfulness exercises, focusing on staying present during moments of anxiety. By practicing deep breathing and mindful observation, she was able to reduce her need for immediate reassurance. Over time, these techniques helped her feel more secure in her relationship and reduced the frequency of her reassurance seeking behaviors.

Alex’s Story

Alex experienced severe anxiety about his relationship and relied heavily on his partner for reassurance. To cope with this, he turned to DBT skills, specifically distress tolerance and emotion regulation. When Alex felt overwhelmed by anxiety, he practiced grounding exercises such as focusing on the sensations in his body or describing his surroundings in detail. These techniques helped him stay present and manage his distress without seeking reassurance.

Alex also worked on emotion regulation by identifying and labeling his emotions. He used opposite action by engaging in activities that brought him joy and relaxation, even when his anxiety urged him to seek reassurance. Through consistent practice, Alex found that his anxiety lessened, and he felt more confident in his ability to handle his emotions independently.

Encouragement and Hope

If you’re struggling with reassurance seeking in an otherwise secure relationship, please know that you are not alone. There is hope, and there are effective strategies that can help you manage your symptoms and improve your relationships. Remember to be kind to yourself, practice self-compassion, and seek professional help if needed. You’re stronger than you think, and with time and effort, you can overcome these anxieties.

Conclusion

In this article, we’ve explored practical strategies for managing the reassurance seeking stemming from ROCD, BPD and past betrayal trauma, shared real-life examples, and offered encouragement and hope. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and take things one step at a time. You’ve got this, and I’m cheering you on every step of the way.